It has been over a year since the last time I posted. And in that post, I promised to post more often.
But, life happened.
I had an almost two year old at the time, who we were about to start potty training because I was pregnant with our second baby, due in October, and I desperately didn't want two children in diapers at the same time.
Going from one to two kids has been difficult, to say the least. This last year has been hard for me.
Really hard. I have had a year of understanding perspective, adjusting my expectations of myself, and of my children.
I chose to attempt natural childbirth with Evelyn, which took a lot of research, reading, and practicing. And then, when shove came to pushing, I had to accept the reality that it would be impossible to do. My baby was born by emergency c-section. I panicked when my doctor told me this would be the case, and afterwards, I was sad, depressed, and in a lot of pain. I questioned my ability to birth my children on my own. I entered motherhood for the second time in a deep hole of self-doubt.
If I can't naturally birth my children, how can I be the mommy I always thought I would be? Things weren't as simple as I had idealized them.
But my friends and family complimented me in my ability to mother. My friends, especially.
I don't know how you do it, Beth. You are a great mom. Inside, I was screaming,
But, I'm not! I'm impatient, selfish, and tired! I do not love every minute of being with my kids. Most days, I wallow in my self pity. Most days, I feel like I barely make it. My house is always a disaster. I just want to be left alone, in my bed. I was lonely. I was depressed. And I felt like if I told my friends those thoughts, they would think I was a whiner. I got frustrated because I didn't want to give a false impression of myself. I wanted them to know that I'm not perfect, it's not easy, and I was really struggling. But I also wanted to be an encouragement to my friends, as much as I could be.
I realized that the more books and blogs I read about parenting and mothering, the worse I felt about myself. I went to a parenting class for about 12 weeks and Evelyn was born halfway through it, so I had her with me for the last few weeks. The class talked a lot about the importance of a schedule, having order in your house, and making your relationship with your husband the priority. These were all things I knew and had done with my firstborn, Avery. No problem. Avery was a "textbook baby." She adjusted to changes in her schedule within a couple of days. Reaching milestones never affected her sleep patterns. She slept 12 hours at night and took decent length naps, and was a very happy baby. I also started reading a blog that talked about the same philosophy as the parenting class. The blogger posts weekly updates on her baby, and had them labeled so I could reference the age that Evelyn was at. The blogger's baby would sleep 12-13 hours at night and sleep 4-6 hours during the day, even at 6 months old. Every week when I would read it, I felt stupid. My baby wasn't like that. What was I doing wrong this time? Evelyn did not get on a nap schedule until 9 months old, and it wasn't for lack of trying, on my part. The child would not sleep during the day. I was at a loss. I wasn't getting any time to myself, even fifteen minutes. I was a failure. I was trapped.
I also had to stop breastfeeding at 6 months, when I had gone until 14 months with Avery. Obviously, it was the best decision for Evelyn, as she wasn't growing enough, and was feeding more than ever. This time was just dramatically different than it was the first time. I felt like a failure again. I wasn't accepting myself. I wasn't accepting that my very best was enough.
Just in the last couple of months (Evelyn will be 11 months tomorrow), I have realized that everyone else's idea of "successful parenting" shouldn't matter to me. If my children are happy, well-mannered, and learning that Jesus loves them more than anything, then in my book, I am doing a good job as a mother. All parts of parenting have to work for each individual family. I am not saying that if it's too hard for you to say "no" to your child, then don't do it. Saying "no" to your child has to happen in every family, but the
way it is done will vary.
I hesitate to give advice to any parent friend, even when they ask me for it. If I tell my friend who has children how we discipline our children, and then it doesn't work for their family, I don't want them to think,
Well, we failed at doing it the way the Bruces do it. Stephen's and my standard of doing things for our household is what is right for us, but it's not for everyone. I've also discovered that we may do things one way for a while and then it starts to not work anymore, and we have to find a new, effective way of doing it. I have had to realize that this is probably normal. If I hold onto the thought,
We have always done it this way, why isn't it working anymore?, then I try to force something that just is not working, all while wasting a couple of months, clinging onto what I've always known. It's silly.
Finally, my inability to blog during the last year plagued me. I admire the moms who somehow find a way to write on their blog several times a week. I seriously do not know how they do it, especially those who have young babies, who need their attention pretty much every minute of the day. I have had to let it go. For me, if I tried to put that much energy into anything other than my girls, I felt like a failure at
everything. Blogging just isn't that important to me. However, I do want to document the girls' childhoods as much as I can, so I will figure out a way to do it. When I started this blog, Stephen and I were newly married, and I wasn't working. I knew we would be moving to a different country, so my motive with the blog was to keep our families and friends up to date with what was happening with us. When we moved back to the States, my motive to blog became a scrapbook for me and my family. Anyone who wants to read about it is welcome, but I'm not going to sit down and make a real scrapbook, so this is it.
I have had to give myself a break. I'm not saying I never feel like a failure. During the last several days, both girls are refusing to nap. It is beyond frustrating! I feel like I have tried everything, and still nothing works. Big, epic mom fail. I keep trying to remind myself that
this is just a season and one day, I will really miss this time. I need to be present in the here and now, and not take it for granted. My house will all be clean at the same time
someday. It is probably a long ways away, but I'd rather be on the floor playing with my babies than cleaning the bathroom. Needless to say, come to my house at your own risk! If clutter and sticky floors bother you, you might feel compelled to clean while you're here. By all means, be my guest!
All that to say, I'm hoping to be able to start blogging regularly again, but
no promises. I will not be burdened by it, but I will be motivated to do it.
