The Last Year or So...

It has been over a year since the last time I posted. And in that post, I promised to post more often.

But, life happened.

I had an almost two year old at the time, who we were about to start potty training because I was pregnant with our second baby, due in October, and I desperately didn't want two children in diapers at the same time.

Going from one to two kids has been difficult, to say the least. This last year has been hard for me.  Really hard.  I have had a year of understanding perspective, adjusting my expectations of myself, and of my children.

I chose to attempt natural childbirth with Evelyn, which took a lot of research, reading, and practicing. And then, when shove came to pushing, I had to accept the reality that it would be impossible to do. My baby was born by emergency c-section. I panicked when my doctor told me this would be the case, and afterwards, I was sad, depressed, and in a lot of pain.  I questioned my ability to birth my children on my own. I entered motherhood for the second time in a deep hole of self-doubt.  If I can't naturally birth my children, how can I be the mommy I always thought I would be?  Things weren't as simple as I had idealized them.

But my friends and family complimented me in my ability to mother. My friends, especially. I don't know how you do it, Beth. You are a great mom. Inside, I was screaming, But, I'm not! I'm impatient, selfish, and tired! I do not love every minute of being with my kids. Most days, I wallow in my self pity. Most days, I feel like I barely make it. My house is always a disaster. I just want to be left alone, in my bed. I was lonely. I was depressed. And I felt like if I told my friends those thoughts, they would think I was a whiner. I got frustrated because I didn't want to give a false impression of myself. I wanted them to know that I'm not perfect, it's not easy, and I was really struggling. But I also wanted to be an encouragement to my friends, as much as I could be.

I realized that the more books and blogs I read about parenting and mothering, the worse I felt about myself.  I went to a parenting class for about 12 weeks and Evelyn was born halfway through it, so I had her with me for the last few weeks. The class talked a lot about the importance of a schedule, having order in your house, and making your relationship with your husband the priority. These were all things I knew and had done with my firstborn, Avery. No problem. Avery was a "textbook baby." She adjusted to changes in her schedule within a couple of days. Reaching milestones never affected her sleep patterns. She slept 12 hours at night and took decent length naps, and was a very happy baby. I also started reading a blog that talked about the same philosophy as the parenting class. The blogger posts weekly updates on her baby, and had them labeled so I could reference the age that Evelyn was at. The blogger's baby would sleep 12-13 hours at night and sleep 4-6 hours during the day, even at 6 months old. Every week when I would read it, I felt stupid. My baby wasn't like that. What was I doing wrong this time? Evelyn did not get on a nap schedule until 9 months old, and it wasn't for lack of trying, on my part. The child would not sleep during the day. I was at a loss. I wasn't getting any time to myself, even fifteen minutes. I was a failure. I was trapped.

I also had to stop breastfeeding at 6 months, when I had gone until 14 months with Avery. Obviously, it was the best decision for Evelyn, as she wasn't growing enough, and was feeding more than ever. This time was just dramatically different than it was the first time. I felt like a failure again. I wasn't accepting myself.  I wasn't accepting that my very best was enough.

Just in the last couple of months (Evelyn will be 11 months tomorrow), I have realized that everyone else's idea of "successful parenting" shouldn't matter to me. If my children are happy, well-mannered, and learning that Jesus loves them more than anything, then in my book, I am doing a good job as a mother. All parts of parenting have to work for each individual family. I am not saying that if it's too hard for you to say "no" to your child, then don't do it. Saying "no" to your child has to happen in every family, but the way it is done will vary.

I hesitate to give advice to any parent friend, even when they ask me for it. If I tell my friend who has children how we discipline our children, and then it doesn't work for their family, I don't want them to think, Well, we failed at doing it the way the Bruces do it. Stephen's and my standard of doing things for our household is what is right for us, but it's not for everyone. I've also discovered that we may do things one way for a while and then it starts to not work anymore, and we have to find a new, effective way of doing it. I have had to realize that this is probably normal. If I hold onto the thought, We have always done it this way, why isn't it working anymore?, then I try to force something that just is not working, all while wasting a couple of months, clinging onto what I've always known. It's silly.

Finally, my inability to blog during the last year plagued me. I admire the moms who somehow find a way to write on their blog several times a week. I seriously do not know how they do it, especially those who have young babies, who need their attention pretty much every minute of the day. I have had to let it go. For me, if I tried to put that much energy into anything other than my girls, I felt like a failure at everything. Blogging just isn't that important to me. However, I do want to document the girls' childhoods as much as I can, so I will figure out a way to do it. When I started this blog, Stephen and I were newly married, and I wasn't working. I knew we would be moving to a different country, so my motive with the blog was to keep our families and friends up to date with what was happening with us. When we moved back to the States, my motive to blog became a scrapbook for me and my family. Anyone who wants to read about it is welcome, but I'm not going to sit down and make a real scrapbook, so this is it.

I have had to give myself a break. I'm not saying I never feel like a failure. During the last several days, both girls are refusing to nap. It is beyond frustrating! I feel like I have tried everything, and still nothing works. Big, epic mom fail. I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a season and one day, I will really miss this time. I need to be present in the here and now, and not take it for granted. My house will all be clean at the same time someday. It is probably a long ways away, but I'd rather be on the floor playing with my babies than cleaning the bathroom. Needless to say, come to my house at your own risk! If clutter and sticky floors bother you, you might feel compelled to clean while you're here. By all means, be my guest!

All that to say, I'm hoping to be able to start blogging regularly again, but no promises. I will not be burdened by it, but I will be motivated to do it.

I Have A Nephew...

He was born today, July 6 at 2:41 am.

His name is Peter Landon Masateru.

He was 8 pounds, 4 ounces and 20 inches long.

And he's absolutely adorable, of course.

I have a picture, only on my phone, so no pic for here!

I have officially reached a blogging funk.  I'd much rather spend my time this summer, playing with Avery, laughing with Avery, and when she's sleeping, spend time with my husband, who I love so much.

I'm still taking pictures everyday (for the most part), so I'm not going to forget these moments.  I just don't feel like blogging about it.

We're going to be going on a few trips later on this summer, so maybe I'll feel like writing about those things then.

Maybe.

In the meantime, I hope you're having a lovely summer!

Bloggy break, bloggy break....

Weekend with Erik & Julie...

We learned a few months ago that Erik and Julie would be coming to town.  Julie's mom was coming for a conference and they wanted to come and show her around Colorado a bit.

The weekend quickly filled up with lots of activities and fun things to do!

We got back from Florida on Wednesday evening and Erik and Julie arrived on Thursday night, but Avery was already in bed.

Remember the last time Avery saw Uncle Erik and Aunt Julie?

  Two people have changed a lot since this picture: Avery and Aunt Julie!  Aunt Julie is 30 weeks pregnant with Cousin Peter.  So, the next time we see Erik and Julie, we will also see a little baby.  Yeah!

I know we talked about not posting these pictures, since they were taken pre-shower or makeup, but they are too cute!

Here is a really cute video of Avery and Julie.  Julie was looking at a Crate and Barrel catalogue while Avery laid on her lap and Avery was squealing and laughing at the pages in the magazine.  So, I quickly grabbed the camera.


Crate & Barrel Shopping from Beth Bruce on Vimeo.

Stephen's Aunt Cinda and Uncle Randy also came into town for the baby shower my mother-in-law and I put together for Julie.

They were a big hit!

See, Great-Aunt Cinda?  I have hands!

All smiles!

Avery liked Uncle Randy's goatee!

With Grammy

I was in charge of decorations, so I made these pom-poms in Peter's nursery colors...

And I made this banner...

And Aunt Cinda arranged the flowers...

Paula was in charge of the food.  Cute cake, huh?

Julie by the spread.

Paula, Julie, Me

Paula, Julie, Delores (Julie's mom)

Cute preggo Julie, in her new skirt and ensemble

Opening gifts

We had a lot of fun this past weekend!  We are sad that it will be so long until we see Erik and Julie again and meet Peter, but we can't wait!

143 Million...Minus One

My friend Becky and her husband, Mark, are going through the process of adopting a baby boy from Ethiopia.  Since this is a very costly process, they are selling reusable grocery bags to help raise money.

Go here to read all about it, and if you feel led to, please purchase some bags to help them out.

She is also having a giveaway for the bags, if you want to enter that.  Go here to see what to do!

The Cuteness is Too Much to Handle...

Last week, we traveled to New York City to visit our good friends, who had twins exactly a month before Avery was born.

Avery got to fly on an airplane for the first time!  And, it couldn't have gone any better.  She was an angel.

I love this picture because Avery's are so crossed ~ it cracks me up!

Noah, Ava, and Avery

On Friday, all 3 kiddos took a nap together in one of the cribs.  Avery slept awesome.  I think she liked having another warm body by her!

We walked to Madison Square Park one day and went to The Shake Shack.  Yum!

Okay, prepare yourself.  The following pictures are TOO CUTE.

Avery ~ what a big girl already!

Noah, a.k.a. Nathan Junior

Smiley Ava

Avery, Stephen, Me, Forrest, Katrina, Ava, Nathan, Noah

We had such a fun time in NYC!  It was an awesome time with our best friends.  Here's to hoping we continue sharing our lives together for years to come!

*All of the good pictures were taken by Katrina!

My Night/Morning...

Well, it's 7:42 on Saturday morning and I have been WIDE AWAKE since 4:00 am.

I did not fall asleep until 1:15 or so.

That's maybe 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

I finally got out of bed at about 5:30 and decided to play an online game or two. At about 6:20, I had a really strong Braxton Hicks contraction (not abnormal), followed by a text from my soul sista, Katrina (who, as you remember is pregnant with twins and is due 5 days after me) that said, "Water broke! Pray for us!"

As I was still contracting, I waddled to the bedroom to inform Stephen of all the excitement, and texted Katrina back that we are so excited they're having their babies today! And then we prayed.

That is Reason #1 why I love being married to my Huzz.

Then, we were just laying there, reflecting on the fact that this is going to be us in the next few weeks, when I had another Braxton Hicks contraction, just 8 minutes after the previous one.

Hmmm, that's weird.

I switched positions and we continued to talk in bed.

I had another one after that, just seven minutes later.

Now, in our birthing class, Nurse Chris told us that if we have 4 BH contractions in an hour before our 37th week to call our doctor because we could be in preterm labor.

Then, I decided I was hungry. I had been up for almost 3 hours, after all!

So, I waddled to the kitchen to make a PBJ sandwich and had another contraction, which was just another 7 minutes after the previous one.

Well, I decided that I'd eat before calling the doctor because I was starving.

I ate my sandwich and have drunk about 18 ounces of water. I don't think I've had anymore contractions.

I do think that I couldn't sleep and have been wide awake because of Katrina. Maybe I've been having mild contractions because of her, too. I don't know...it's weird.

In any case, I don't think I'm in preterm labor right now. I have my next doc's appointment on Monday afternoon, at which they'll be "checking me" for dialation and fun things like that from now on. Yippee!

Nathan and Katrina, we love you and are thinking about you and praying for you and those babies today! We are soooooooooo excited!

For later on today, I'm looking forward to watching the Huskers beat Iowa State! Game starts at 11:30 central time. GO BIG RED!!!!! Hopefully, that won't put me into labor!

PS - Huzz is not happy that the Huskers game is IN HD on Fox Sports and the CU game is NOT IN HD, even though it's the local game. Haha. Just shows you that CU fans are not as loyal as Husker fans!

10 Weeks...

Today, I am 10 weeks along this little journey.

Clothes continue to get tighter. I've been wearing my maternity work pants all week and they are not falling down. And they are comfortable.

I don't know if I'll ever go back to normal pants again.

Here's what the baby updater is telling me for this week:
Your baby (now the size of a prune) has small indentations on his legs (soon to be knees and ankles!), and tiny buds of baby teeth are forming under the gums. His stomach and kidneys are kicking into gear, producing digestive juices and urine, and if it's a boy, his testes are making testosterone (how manly!).

When I read things like that and then look in the mirror and know that from the outside, you can't tell that any of that is going on, I stand in awe at our Creator. I know that the miracle of pregnancy and birth and all that jazz has been going on since the beginning of time, but it really still is a miracle, isn't it? Just amazing. And now, to think that it is actually happening to me leaves me speechless. I know...hard to believe.

Even though billions of women have given birth, many women have gone through extreme turmoil and distress and heartache because of birth. It can happen too early, the baby can get sick, infections, stress, defects...the list goes on. As a first-time pregnant woman, these are scary things, but I just have to Believe that He will protect me and my baby and everything that happens is His will.

If you think of it, please send up a big P for one of the teachers I work with. His name is Eugene. His wife lives back in his old country and was seven months pregnant and she had a stillbirth on Monday. He has gone back to be with her and I cannot imagine the pain they are experiencing.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend. In just 2 short weeks, I will be through my first trimester already!

Billie Visit #2...

Sonia, R'iordan, and I went to visit Billie today, since we had the day off from school for Nauryz.
Billie modeled the purple baby booties that I made for her, perfectly!

And the pointy hat, too!

She has changed so much during the last four days, it's unbelievable! She is just beautiful and should be going home with Mommy tomorrow morning.

Heeeeere's Billie!...

On Thursday evening after work, we went with Matt & Sonia to see Rick, Katy, and baby Billie at the hospital.
We were there about 40 minutes and she was wide awake the whole time, looking around. She got passed around a lot and just went with the flow. She cried once and sounded so cute!

Ooh, Stephen is comfy-cozy!

Proud Mommy and Daddy with their new baby!

Congratulations, Rick & Katy!

She is absolutely beautiful!

Baby Update...

Of course, within minutes of posting my last entry, Sonia came and told me she had received a text from Rick that baby Billie had been born!

She was born at 8:50 a.m.

She weighs 3.2 kilos. That's 7.06 pounds!

Don't know how long she is.

Guessing she has dark hair!

Hopefully, we'll get to visit this afternoon.

Spoke Too Soon...

The weather forecast said it was going to be rainy all week ~ typical spring time weather, right?

Last night, I woke up a couple of times, due the noisiness in our bedroom. The rain was so loud on the galvinized overhangs, it sounded like people were running around out there!

When I came out of our apartment building this morning on my way to work, it had just started snowing. Big, huge, wet flakes. Luckily, I was prepared for rain, so I had my umbrella.

Ella, ella...

It is 4 hours later and it has been snowing hard ever since. Still huge, fluffy, wet flakes. I didn't think it would stick because it's so wet, but it has and I think we have about 6 inches! We are talking snowflakes the size of quarters, people. I wish I hadn't forgotten my camera again on the dining room table. I am so forgetful lately!

When I met up with my friends this morning to go to work, I found out that our friend, Katy, went to the hospital this morning because she thought she might be in labor! Very exciting! She was scheduled to have a C-section next Wednesday (been postponed three times, now!) so we're thinking that even if she is having false labor, they might just go ahead and do the C-section. So, we might be going to the hospital after work to visit.

We haven't heard anything yet, so we'll play it by ear. Sooooo excited for Katy and Rick!

So cute...

Colorado...Part 8...

Hannah had a great time, crawling around my parents' house. I was surprised at how fast she is! She really gets going and you can tell she is thinking, "Faster, faster, faster!"

Harper...

Hello all,

Just a quick note to ask for the big P word.

I'm "speaking" in code so that some friends in a land far, far away can continue to read the little bloggy here.

For more information, click here to go to Kelly's Korner blog, or click on the link to the right.

Kelly's story caught my attention a few months ago. She was a wife, struggling to get pregnant with their first baby and she blogged almost daily about the struggles with that. Well, she got pregnant, and had the baby three days ago. The baby's name is Harper and she is in the NICU.

Just wanted to do my part and ask that you join me in P-ing for her. Ha! That sounds funny in code.

Yes, I am 28.

Anyway, I hope you're moved to do this.

Thanks, and have a wonderful day!

Colorado...Part 7...Auntie Kelsi

One afternoon, I came downstairs to find this:
And my camera just snapped away...

Turn the page, Aunt Kelsi!

As a teacher, I LOVE it when babies begin to read...

Yes, Hannah is already a reader....

She knows how to hold the book, which way to turn the pages, and she studies the pictures...

Aunt Kelsi is F-U-N!!!

She listens to you, as you read the words...

She laughs and interacts with the books...

What a good reader!

Read it again, Aunt Kelsi! I love books!

Colorado...Part 6...

Huzz and I managed to make it to Mimi's not once, but twice, for breakfast while we were home.

What? It's tasty.

Even Hannah enjoyed Mimi's once.
Well, for the most part...

She is waving to all her people, down the table...

Isn't she so cute? She's so happy!

I don't like this picture of me, but it's so cute of Hannah...

Can you tell I love being an aunt?