The Last Year or So...

It has been over a year since the last time I posted. And in that post, I promised to post more often.

But, life happened.

I had an almost two year old at the time, who we were about to start potty training because I was pregnant with our second baby, due in October, and I desperately didn't want two children in diapers at the same time.

Going from one to two kids has been difficult, to say the least. This last year has been hard for me.  Really hard.  I have had a year of understanding perspective, adjusting my expectations of myself, and of my children.

I chose to attempt natural childbirth with Evelyn, which took a lot of research, reading, and practicing. And then, when shove came to pushing, I had to accept the reality that it would be impossible to do. My baby was born by emergency c-section. I panicked when my doctor told me this would be the case, and afterwards, I was sad, depressed, and in a lot of pain.  I questioned my ability to birth my children on my own. I entered motherhood for the second time in a deep hole of self-doubt.  If I can't naturally birth my children, how can I be the mommy I always thought I would be?  Things weren't as simple as I had idealized them.

But my friends and family complimented me in my ability to mother. My friends, especially. I don't know how you do it, Beth. You are a great mom. Inside, I was screaming, But, I'm not! I'm impatient, selfish, and tired! I do not love every minute of being with my kids. Most days, I wallow in my self pity. Most days, I feel like I barely make it. My house is always a disaster. I just want to be left alone, in my bed. I was lonely. I was depressed. And I felt like if I told my friends those thoughts, they would think I was a whiner. I got frustrated because I didn't want to give a false impression of myself. I wanted them to know that I'm not perfect, it's not easy, and I was really struggling. But I also wanted to be an encouragement to my friends, as much as I could be.

I realized that the more books and blogs I read about parenting and mothering, the worse I felt about myself.  I went to a parenting class for about 12 weeks and Evelyn was born halfway through it, so I had her with me for the last few weeks. The class talked a lot about the importance of a schedule, having order in your house, and making your relationship with your husband the priority. These were all things I knew and had done with my firstborn, Avery. No problem. Avery was a "textbook baby." She adjusted to changes in her schedule within a couple of days. Reaching milestones never affected her sleep patterns. She slept 12 hours at night and took decent length naps, and was a very happy baby. I also started reading a blog that talked about the same philosophy as the parenting class. The blogger posts weekly updates on her baby, and had them labeled so I could reference the age that Evelyn was at. The blogger's baby would sleep 12-13 hours at night and sleep 4-6 hours during the day, even at 6 months old. Every week when I would read it, I felt stupid. My baby wasn't like that. What was I doing wrong this time? Evelyn did not get on a nap schedule until 9 months old, and it wasn't for lack of trying, on my part. The child would not sleep during the day. I was at a loss. I wasn't getting any time to myself, even fifteen minutes. I was a failure. I was trapped.

I also had to stop breastfeeding at 6 months, when I had gone until 14 months with Avery. Obviously, it was the best decision for Evelyn, as she wasn't growing enough, and was feeding more than ever. This time was just dramatically different than it was the first time. I felt like a failure again. I wasn't accepting myself.  I wasn't accepting that my very best was enough.

Just in the last couple of months (Evelyn will be 11 months tomorrow), I have realized that everyone else's idea of "successful parenting" shouldn't matter to me. If my children are happy, well-mannered, and learning that Jesus loves them more than anything, then in my book, I am doing a good job as a mother. All parts of parenting have to work for each individual family. I am not saying that if it's too hard for you to say "no" to your child, then don't do it. Saying "no" to your child has to happen in every family, but the way it is done will vary.

I hesitate to give advice to any parent friend, even when they ask me for it. If I tell my friend who has children how we discipline our children, and then it doesn't work for their family, I don't want them to think, Well, we failed at doing it the way the Bruces do it. Stephen's and my standard of doing things for our household is what is right for us, but it's not for everyone. I've also discovered that we may do things one way for a while and then it starts to not work anymore, and we have to find a new, effective way of doing it. I have had to realize that this is probably normal. If I hold onto the thought, We have always done it this way, why isn't it working anymore?, then I try to force something that just is not working, all while wasting a couple of months, clinging onto what I've always known. It's silly.

Finally, my inability to blog during the last year plagued me. I admire the moms who somehow find a way to write on their blog several times a week. I seriously do not know how they do it, especially those who have young babies, who need their attention pretty much every minute of the day. I have had to let it go. For me, if I tried to put that much energy into anything other than my girls, I felt like a failure at everything. Blogging just isn't that important to me. However, I do want to document the girls' childhoods as much as I can, so I will figure out a way to do it. When I started this blog, Stephen and I were newly married, and I wasn't working. I knew we would be moving to a different country, so my motive with the blog was to keep our families and friends up to date with what was happening with us. When we moved back to the States, my motive to blog became a scrapbook for me and my family. Anyone who wants to read about it is welcome, but I'm not going to sit down and make a real scrapbook, so this is it.

I have had to give myself a break. I'm not saying I never feel like a failure. During the last several days, both girls are refusing to nap. It is beyond frustrating! I feel like I have tried everything, and still nothing works. Big, epic mom fail. I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a season and one day, I will really miss this time. I need to be present in the here and now, and not take it for granted. My house will all be clean at the same time someday. It is probably a long ways away, but I'd rather be on the floor playing with my babies than cleaning the bathroom. Needless to say, come to my house at your own risk! If clutter and sticky floors bother you, you might feel compelled to clean while you're here. By all means, be my guest!

All that to say, I'm hoping to be able to start blogging regularly again, but no promises. I will not be burdened by it, but I will be motivated to do it.

I'm Working On It...

I am hoping in ythe next day or so, I can get a post or two up.

Parenting is hard work!  I am typing with one hand right now while I hold Baby Bruce in my other hand.

So, check back soon for all the details and pictures!

It's Over...What's Next?

It is finished. Over. Completed. That's all. Closed. Ceased. Concluded. Done for. Ended. Executed. In the past. Wrapped up. Over and done. Through.

In Russian: "fsyo"

I have had a couple of days to unwind and think about what has come to a close.

The worst professional year of my life.

Yes, this has been the most difficult year of my life, actually ~ mostly due to my job. But when you spend over 10 hours a day at a destructive place, it wears on you.

Even these goof-ball faces tortured me at times. Two-thirds of the children you see in this picture had no English knowledge nine months ago.

Now, they all understand me, verbally. Even the little guy who joined our class in March.

This is me and my teaching assistant, Katherine. Difficult year.

All lined up, ready to go to the assembly, where the Headmaster informed the entire school that I have found the atmosphere in the big K "procreational."

I wanted to crawl under my chair.

I put on a happy face for my kids, while dealing with one headache after another with administration. One headache including the accounting department deliberately choosing an exchange rate that did not exist and shorting all of us a few hundred dollars in our pay.

Don't worry ~ it just reminded me over and over that those of us who are leaving the school are doing the right thing.

I was a wreck on Friday night because I was just so relieved. I could not stop crying.

Our actual last day was on Saturday because we had this ridiculous awards ceremony that couldn't possibly have been done on Friday afternoon.

Then, we had a Summer Ball to attend on Saturday night at the school, with the parents.

A group of us decided to go for a drink before the Ball.

Practise Your Maths

Since things are not quite as organized as planned at my school, we did not have parent/teacher conferences this October. Thank goodness. But, we did have to write student progress reports.

I normally do quite well with this ~ don't have very many errors with spelling or grammar.

Until I started being forced to speak like a Brit.

The British people have two spellings for practice.

• Practice - noun, verb, -ticed, -tic·ing.
  –noun
  1. habitual or customary performance; operation: office practice.
  2. habit; custom: It is not the practice here for men to wear long hair.
  3. repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency: Practice makes perfect.
  4. condition arrived at by experience or exercise: She refused to play the piano, because she was out of practice.
  5. the action or process of performing or doing something: to put a scheme into practice; the shameful practices of a blackmailer.
  6. the exercise or pursuit of a profession or occupation, esp. law or medicine: She plans to set up practice in her hometown.
  7. the business of a professional person: The doctor wanted his daughter to take over his practice when he retired.
  8. Law. the established method of conducting legal proceedings.
  9. Archaic. plotting; intrigue; trickery.
  10. Usually, practices. Archaic. intrigues; plots. –verb (used with object)
  11. to perform or do habitually or usually: to practice a strict regimen.
  12. to follow or observe habitually or customarily: to practice one's religion.
  13. to exercise or pursue as a profession, art, or occupation: to practice law.
  14. to perform or do repeatedly in order to acquire skill or proficiency: to practice the violin.
  15. to train or drill (a person, animal, etc.) in something in order to give proficiency. –verb (used without object)
  16. to do something habitually or as a practice.
  17. to pursue a profession, esp. law or medicine.
  18. to exercise oneself by repeated performance in order to acquire skill: to practice at shooting.
  19. Archaic. to plot or conspire.
  
• Also, British, practise (for defs. 11–19).

Now, since I believe all my readers are from the U.S., you most likely agree with me that practice with an "s" is just practice misspelled.

One more thing that has bothered me since I came here is that the British teachers call math, "maths." I don't know why, or where it comes from. But, I cannot simply change my whole life of saying "math" to now saying "maths."

However, I have been advised that I do.

On a much nicer note, look what I get to see out of my classroom window each day:

Except for today because it's cold, foggy, and dark. Depressing. And, it's FREEZING in the building because for some reason, the air conditioning is running full-force.

I'm Sorry!

Okay, I know we've been in the Big K for over two weeks and I haven't updated the blog. I'm sorry. However, it has been out of my control.

You know my last post, when I mentioned that we would have internet in our apartment?

We don't.

It did work the first night we got into town. We had it, just long enough to call my mom really quick on Skype to tell them we had made it. When we woke up the next morning, no internet. And we haven't had it since.

The landlord came over to see if it would work, made some phone calls that involved angry-sounding Russian. Still no internet.

They came over every day, with a "Master" (of computers?) and still no internet. This went on for several days. Oh, it also involved them yelling at me, as if I was purposefully willing it not to work, in Russian. And no matter how much I informed them that I don't speak Russian (yet), they continued to think that if they said whatever they were saying LOUDER, I would magically start to understand. I really didn't like the "Master."

The last time I saw the Master, he finally figured out that the landlord hadn't paid the bill for the internet, so it had been cut off. Ha! Supposedly, they paid it.

Still, no internet. And we haven't heard from them since. We are not banking on having internet at this apartment...ever.

So, my exposure to this lovely, amazing thing that we all take for granted, the Internet, has been limited to weekend-only usage at Stephen's office. And today has been my only chance to really spend more time on here than just checking my email real quick, once we talk to Moms and Dads on Skype.

Okay, enough griping about the lack of internet. Well, one more thought on that. While laying in bed for several nights of crying myself to sleep (due to exponential amounts of boredom during the day, loneliness, and isolation -- all because of no internet, of course), I am convinced that He is trying to get me to learn the all too valued fruit of the spirit: patience. I am learning I don't have much of this and I am going to have to learn to get it while we live here. So, my current prayer, for myself, is that I get me some of that.

Anyway, now I will talk about what Stephen and I have been up to since we got here 17 days ago. We have actually been busy, mostly on the weekends, since Stephen has been working, pretty much since we got here.

We met one of my future co-workers, John, and his wife, Vanera. We like hanging out with them. They are very interesting and fun. You'll learn more about them, as I blog what we're up to. But, last weekend, they took us hiking in the mountains that are so close! We went to an area called "Madeo." I'm not sure on that spelling, but I'm sure it's close. It was really fun, except that it reminded me that I am far from being in shape. Although, I wasn't as sore the next day as I expected to be. It was the first time, for me, of hiking with cows. Yes, there were cows wandering the trails with us. Oh! And, I recognized this plant that we learned about when we were on our Alaskan cruise, called Skunk Cabbage. It grows like crazy here! In case you didn't know, some animals use Skunk Cabbage like we use Tums or Pepto Bismol when we are feeling "not quite right." I saw some cows eating it. Must've had some stale grass.

We also met up last weekend with some new friends, Matt & Jonna. They are neat people, teaching English here. Jonna grew up in Woodland Park (just outside of Colorado Springs)! Isn't that crazy? They have an adorable baby, Caleb. You will also learn more about them later. They took us to a local restaurant and we had an Uzbek dish, called Logmon. It had homemade, thick, spaghetti-type noodles, lamb, and veggies with a kicky sauce. Loved it. Stephen liked it, too, but we are starting to question if he has a slight allergy to cabbage, as his lips got a little puffy and he felt weird for the rest of the night. Apparently, this has happened before with him. I'm thinking that as his wife, I need to know these things.

Sidenote, Stephen has only had one bout with accidentally eating nuts, so far. Those crazy sauces with their ground up nuts. It's a little difficult here, when you can't speak the language and you're eating unfamiliar foods.

We have been going to the Ramstore a lot. In Russian, it's spelled Pamctop. Neat, huh? Pamctop is where we have been doing our grocery shopping because we can get a lot of American products. Plus, it's only a couple of blocks from our place right now, so it's convenient. Once we get into our permanent home, I hope to do more serious shopping at the local level.

Our apartment will now be ready on 8 August. [That is me, attempting to write the date the way they write it, outside of the US.] I will start work on 3 August, with teacher orientation. I am very excited for this to start, as I am quite bored during the day. Did I mention that? I have some pictures of our apartment to show you, but my computer won't connect to the internet at the office. You'll have to wait. However, in all my boredom, I managed to open all 10 boxes that we brought and basically have strewn their contents all about the flat. [That's me, attempting to speak British, whilst I type.] Anyway, I came across my collection of knitting needles, my knitting books, and one skein of pink yarn. I chose the most challenging baby sweater to knit and I'm already halfway done! However, I don't think the one skein will be enough, of course. I am hoping I can find some neat yarn at the Market, one day, when I'm not scared of it. The yarn, not the Market.

I am happiest when I get out of the apartment, even if it's just for a meal, but mostly when I get to use the internet and talk to our parents. Stephen has been so supportive and understanding of all my crying. And trust me, there has been crying. Mostly of frustration, so nothing a little crying can't handle. Although, if you think of it, I can use some healing prayer. I am experiencing shooting pains in my stomach, about 30 minutes after I eat, every time I eat. We bought that Dannon Activia yogurt and a bunch of green vegetables at the store yesterday and I'm hoping I just need to get regulated. I know it's also partly due to stress, as when I am even a little stressed, my stomach usually bothers me. We have noticed that they don't serve vegetables a whole lot with their meals here. I am a person who will crave a nice bowl of peas, broccoli, or green beans every few days.

We hired a driver this week. His name is Igor. He is very nice and his English is better than our Russian, so I think we'll survive.

I know that we are supposed to be here and He will carry us through our difficulties. Sometimes, it is hard to remember that when the power goes out, right when you've reached your parents on Skype. Or when you wake up in the middle of the night with stomach pains. Or when you just want to call your sister and tell her you love her because you know she needs to hear it, but you can't.

We are doing great. We are taken care of. We are learning about ourselves and this world we live in. We are growing closer together and closer to our Father each day. Although I'm sure that is partly why we are here, I know that there is so much more to come that cannot be expected or assumed. I am grateful for all that we have and I am learning that He is enough for me.

Until who knows when...

Love,
Me

June #1

Well, we have been in the middle of a complete whirlwind and will be in one for the next week and a half or so. So, that is why I haven't posted in awhile and why I might not, once we are in the Big K for a little while.

June began with Husband and I moving out of our first home together: our humble 375-ish square foot studio with "sprawling views" of 2nd Avenue and a "short walk" (4 long blocks) to Central Park. These may seem like disappointing things, but they are the things we loved about our place. We will miss it.

After our moving our stuff ourselves from DC to Bethesda, we vowed that from then on, we would be hiring movers. If you remember that story, you can sympathize, I'm sure. If I haven't told it to you, I should sometime.

Anyway, here's what we did while the movers hauled our things down 5 flights in the super tiny elevator and down the narrow 5 flights of stairs for things like the large couch.

After sitting from our perches, directing what was going in the truck to Colorado, for only 2 hours, the apartment was empty. Except for the desk (in the pictures) that we deposited in the basement and the coffee table, which a wonderful friend took for us.

Although this kitchen saw more cooking in the last 8 months than it had seen in the prior 2 years before I showed up, I will not miss its lack of counter space and dishwasher. Plus, the burners on the stove were awful. Plus, there was no garbage disposal, so cleaning the drain of food escapees was a usual and necessary occurrence.

We will miss you, little home! You were a great comfort to Stephen, as a bachelor for a while and we created you as our first home together. You'll be a

good story when we tell our kids how good they have it. I'm sure one day we'll be telling them that "everyone" should live in close quarters when they first get

married. They'll "appreciate" each other so much more!

PS - I am losing my patience with blogger and pictures. It's driving me crazy! What you are seeing is not what it looks like in my "compose" window. Grrrrrr..........

Open to Change...

Have you ever read something, or listened to someone and it changed you? I mean, really changed you. Like changed how you feel or think about something. Or maybe reinforced your thinking about an issue.

I experienced this last night. I am going to blog about it more in a few days. I don't have the time right now to get into it, but I will share with you.

Right now, I have an apartment to pack. The movers come Wednesday! I went to the Triple B again and got more Space Bags today, so once Husband is done taking his practice exam, I will be using the vacuum to suck air out of those things like you wouldn't believe!

Anyway, think about if you have had this changing-type experience before. Maybe it will re-spark the significance that it has had on your life.
I can't wait to share with you!

I Am Having Bloggy Issues...

Okay, so what do you think of my new get-up here? I have been spending the last couple of days, surfin' the internet, looking for neato blog templates. The background you are now looking at is not a template. It is me, resorting to what I know how to do: fool around with fonts and colors.
I have usually considered myself to be a computer-savvy-type chica. However, somewhere along the line, people who are really computer savvy have learned this thing called "HTML code". I do not know how to do this. I have been told (by my husband) that it is an "easy language to learn." He said this before he tried to figure out how to import a template for me and failed.
Plus, I am having enough trouble learning Russian right now, thankyouverymuch.
So, you might see my "template" changing a lot for awhile, until I either figure out how to import a free template that I absolutely love, or I am going to get REALLY good at manipulating the very limited fonts and colors that blogger offers its users.
Oh, sure there are websites that offer to custom design a template for you, but it runs about $80. This seems silly to me. But maybe once I start making some bucks, I'll fork over the money.

You have just witnessed me, basically venting my blogging frustrations on you. I'm sorry.

The Next Chapter...

FINALLY, I can make this official announcement! Stephen and I are going to be moving to.........Almaty, Kazakhstan! Yeah! (The crowd goes wild.....)

No, not Pakistan. No, not Afghanistan. No, not any of those scary -stan countries that you see in the news all the time. Kazakhstan is a peaceful country that sits just to the south of Russia, northwest of China, and north of Uzbekistan and Kyrgystan and east of the Caspian Sea. I suggest you google it - you'll be surprised!
You may be asking, "Why are you moving there?"

• Answer: Stephen has been given a wonderful opportunity to work with a private equity fund there.

You: Can't you do that in the US?

• Answer: Of course. However, the people that Stephen will be meeting are people that will only be met in this realm. It will be a great move for Stephen's career.

You: How long will you be there?

• Answer: The time commitment is three years.

You: When will you be there?

• Answer: July 1

You: And what will you, Beth, be doing?

• Answer: I already have a job with a new British school that is starting up in the fall, teaching 7-8 year olds (second graders).

You: How do you know you'll like it?

• Answer: We spent 6 days in Almaty a couple of weeks ago. I know 6 days isn't much, but it was enough for us to see that we can see ourselves living there. It reminded us a lot of Denver, probably what it was like back in the '70's.

You: Where will you be living?

• Answer: My school has staff housing, which we have chosen to take advantage of at a very subsidized rate. They are building brand new mansions and dividing them into 2-3 bedroom condos. They're in a gated community, about 10 minutes from downtown (Stephen's work) and 10 minutes to my school.

You: Are you excited?

• Answer: YES! Stephen and I were just talking last night again about how it is so clear that He has laid this path for us so plainly. We feel like we could not not go. If we didn't go, we would definitely be dealing with knowing that we're going against what He has planned for us. The fact that I got a job the first day we were visiting, we also lined up housing through that, I really like my boss (the headmaster), Stephen is really excited about his job and the people he'll be working with, and we just found out last night that there is a young couple going there for an indefinite amount of time. They have a little baby and are moving there the middle of May. We will definitely be calling them up!

You: What are you most worried about?

• Answer: Being so far away from our family and friends. However, we thank Him that we live in a world now where communication is so easy. We will, of course, have internet service. So, email is still the number one way. But also, SKYPE will be used all the time! If you don't know what SKYPE is, check it out. It's a FREE service online (just create an account) and you can make phonecalls and video phonecalls to anyone who has an account, anywhere in the world. You don't have to have a webcam, but if you want to see us, you do. If you are interested in contacting us, email me and I'll let you know what our SKYPE user name is and you can find us. We tried this while we were there and were very pleased at the quality. Plus, we live in the age where anywhere is just a plane ride away. :) (Yes, that's my subtle way of telling you that you should come visit!)

I am in the middle of trying to figure out how to pack everything up in our tiny apartment! And, how to pack for two different places. We are only taking our clothes and a few sentimental items to KZ and sending the rest back to good, old CO.

So, that's the basic low-down for now. Obviously, this blog will get very interesting for the next three years! I'll be sharing all about our life and experiences there, so you'll have to make a habit of checking on the blog on a regular basis.

We love you all and are so excited about this next chapter in our lives. If you think of it when you lay down at night, please say a little prayer for us. That's all we need right now!

Click here and here to find out more about Kazakhstan!

Chopped the hair!

So, I decided to donate my hair to be used for making wigs for cancer patients. I donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths because they only require 8 inches of hair, versus others who require 10 or so inches. It was fun and I love my new cut!

Before shot:

After!

I decided that as long as my hair is growing long and healthy, I'll continue to donate it, so I'm already working on growing it out. :)