Students...

With every year that I teach, certain things become more and more difficult, while other things obviously become easier. It seems that the things that should be "simple" and mundane become a hassle and tedious.

For example, lining up. This should be an easy task. When I say, "Boys and girls, push in your chairs and line up," here is what happens: They all jump up and run. The only ones who run to the line are the ones who want to be first, for some reason. The rest of them just look like they are busy. Groups of about 4 to 5 girls gather in various places of the room and just hen-peck. Gab, gab, gab. About nothing in particular or important.

I count down. "Get in line! You have 5...4...3...2...1! You should be quiet and in line now...No, that's not a line. That's a bunch...Turn and look around the room, boys and girls! Most of you did not push in your chair! Now, as you walk to PE, please stay in line - that means you are right behind the person in front of you. No one is beside you. No talking." And that's when I just hate the sound of my voice. And as they walk out the room, following my Teaching Assistant, they all start quietly talking to each other and are moving as one large mob. And as they move down the hallway, I can hear them getting louder and louder.

This is my life. Daily. I feel like I've never seen kids like these who just do whatever they want, all the time. It is the most frustrating situation. I have tried all different ways to punish them when they don't listen, but they don't care. These problems continue to be.

I don't want to teach anymore.

I know some of you would disagree with me and urge me to continue doing it. However, each year that I do it, I feel more and more strongly that it is not for me.

I do have my moments when I enjoy it. It is the once in a while, rare occurence when my students are actually listening and paying attention. They'll give me feedback during the lesson and I begin to have fun! It is just so RARE. It's just not worth it.

And I wonder why I'm doing it, when I feel like I'm not making a difference at all. At least, I can't see the impact right now. Right now, I am a baby-sitter, at best. A nagging, grumpy, unhappy baby-sitter.

Like the baby-sitter that took care of me when I was 10 and my brother and 3-year old sister for a weekend while my parents went away, probably to a business conference in Omaha. I think they called a baby-sitting service to hire her. I remember she was old, didn't smile, and extremely grumpy; downright mean, if you ask me. Anytime we asked her if we could do something, the answer was a sharp, "NO!" We had to play very quietly in our house for the whole weekend. I remember Kelsi coming into my room after bedtime and sleeping in my bed with me because she missed Mommy and she was a little scared. I took care of her. I protected her. I dressed her. And I comforted her.

Now, I am the nanny. I am grouchy and I never smile. Does that sound like me?

I am ready to leave the big K. I want to leave the big K.